The Relationship with Self

If you’re a regular human, like many, there are things in life that cause you to self-reflect and think about your life. Whether it’s a portion of it or the whole damn thing, there are instances where you find yourself contemplating the meaning of life, the things you’ve done and who’ve you become through it all.

I just finished reading a book called The House of Broken Angels that did exactly that, among other things. A lot of the book seemed so familiar– maybe it was because I had just been to a funeral or because I have a huge family (even bigger now combined with my husband’s) or because I tend to remember things of the past trying to figure out its meaning or trying to give it one.

For me, those days that cause self-reflection usually happen in the spring, during the time of rebirth and renewal. It brings fresh greens, usually Easter, warmer weather, a shining sun and, yes, my birthday.

What better time to self-reflect than the day that completes and begins another rotation around the sun? This year, I turn 34 years old. I was thinking about it the other day and thought, it’s not so bad. There are a lot of us that are making our 30’s look good.

I realized that I like being in the know now rather and before and rather than later. All in all, I feel like I know that I’m in the right place and at the right time. And this year, is going to be the most exciting that I’ve come across and realized for myself. This year, not only am I celebrating my own accomplishments but also celebrating the fact that I’m bringing another life into this world.

About 9 years ago now, I remember going to a friendly gathering, sitting around smoking cigars and sipping on whiskey. Somehow, we got on to the topic of having children. One of my friends said that she didn’t want any and that was that. I remember saying that I didn’t want to bring a child into the world we were living in (because at the time, I thought it was bad) and that I’ll bring a baby into the world when I felt it was good enough. The host of the evening said something along the lines of, “well, that’s never going to happen because the world will never be good enough.” I thought about it because I hadn’t really ruled out the idea of having kids as definitively as my friend, so then I changed my statement. “I’ll bring a baby into this life when MY world is good enough,” I said. He clinked my glass in approval. “There you go,” he said.

I stood by that. I knew that it was going to be a challenge to have a child, in whatever capacity I chose to look at it because I had the ONE thing that would never change: type 1 diabetes. Yeah, if you haven’t read my other blog all about my joys and defeats with the disease, it’ll give you a little bit more background.  This was the only reason why I was so hesitant to say that I wanted children because, what if I couldn’t?

The time just wasn’t right. I thought about the different relationships I had had and also remembered trying to envision children with those who I felt I loved at the time and it just wasn’t possible. I also think that where I was at the time wasn’t the right time, either. I didn’t necessarily think that I was in a good place at all to bring a child into the world.

I’ve battled the self-love issues, like many people, trying to figure out where I am and where I want to be.  And in those years, I came to the conclusion that I can’t control anyone regardless of how much I would even want to. This means that I have to understand my boundaries and understand what I can and cannot control. Ultimately, I can only control myself and all of my choices.

I’ve thought of those awful choices I’ve made in my life and sometimes I wonder how I survived them. It’s also proven that:

  •  I’m still here for a reason and I have to make the most of it.
  • Stupid decisions aside, I learned from them all and I don’t really have to live with “what ifs..”
  • Anyone you may have hurt, if they really do love you, will forgive you for your decisions, especially if they came from a place of good intention with a totally opposite outcome.

On top of all of this, I’ve also learned when and how to react to things. However, that got thrown out the window with pregnancy because… hormones. BUT understanding other people has given me that benefit that not many others have when it comes to being at peace with themselves.

I’ve learned to put myself first, but not at the expense of other people. If there is something that upsets me, I try to understand it and I try to make things easier for others in a way to take any burden off of my own back. If we make things difficult, it helps no one, not even ourselves.

I’m finally in a place where I’ve learned to love myself, learned to love what I have and not to yearn for things I don’t. I’m in a wonderful place with wonderful people around me all the time. I’ve learned to keep connections with those who I love and who love me. I’ve understood what my capacity is and when to say YES and when I should say NO. I feel happy and at peace with things… which means…

MY WORLD IS GOOD ENOUGH! 

I finally feel that I’m in a good enough space to live the life I want and the way I want it. I’m strong enough, confident enough, educated enough and powerful enough.

Late last year, my husband and I decided that we were going to try and conceive this year. Well, you know what they say about that, “Want to make God (the Universe) laugh? Tell Him your plans” and laugh the cosmos and grand scheme of the Universe did. We were blessed with a baby in November and here we are.

Not only did I feel like I was good enough and that my world was good enough to raise a little human of my own, but it was my path and my calling.  So, here’s to 34 and the world I’m building for myself, my family and the friends I love.

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