She always did non-conventional things. It was in her nature to be a rebel, to go against the grain. Not just in her ways of dressing but in her mentality, in her mind.
Eli’s perception of the world wasn’t like everyone else’s and she tried to share the thought process with others. Nonetheless, only a few people were capable of pulling it off. Those that did were better at it than she was, but she didn’t mind it. In fact, she was proud that she had gotten through and those people told her it was thanks to her constant push in the right the direction.
On the flip side, those she tried to get through to mercilessly but wouldn’t budge gave her a new perspective on things. She would surely move on, but not without a fight. This situation, though, burdened her more than any. The people that she wanted to catch on didn’t and she didn’t understand why. Comfort, unchanging and closed-off were among the top issues she saw. Eli ultimately realized that it wasn’t and shouldn’t be her problem, but she was always there.
She was used to being taken for granted and taken advantage of. It was a part of her build, her program. It was horrible to watch especially because she would be blinded by good nature. She didn’t think anyone would purposefully hurt her and it was true, no one did. She just gave of herself in a way that people were not used to and because of that, it was easy to take and take without seeing just how empty she had become after a while.
The worst part had to be that if she wasn’t giving, if no one was taking, she didn’t feel of use. Someone needed her always, but when they didn’t, a storm brewed over her head and in her heart. In those times, she knew exactly who she could run to. And those few had to be strong, grounded and love her immensely. To fill up her emptiness took a lot of love.
When it came to matters of the heart, well, she gave unconditionally. She didn’t know how to stop and it usually drowned her victims because they couldn’t keep up with all she gave. They, in turn, felt insufficient. They didn’t know how to match her giving and even felt that she was clearly blinded and delirious by love. Why? Why did she feel so much and give so much?
If they were there, with her, they were worth every ounce of what she gave. Her friends understood it after years of being with her and around her. They knew they were there for a reason and she showered them with everything she felt. Love was and is always the answer. On a daily basis she would tell friends that she loved them, that they were her world and that she was grateful and appreciative of all that they gave her. Love was spread, felt and acknowledged in a variety of ways; from a smile to a sentence.
You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
You have such a huge heart.
There were a few romantic instances where she felt that she was given as much as she gave. Eli wasn’t used to being admired as much as people said they admired her. She didn’t see herself doing anything out of her natural realm and those who embraced it felt it strongly.
“When I look at you, I see beauty,” he said. “You are beautiful you know that? And so vibrant.” He stared at her with that look in his eye that didn’t come out all too often. For being a man; for hiding from feelings; for being strong. It came out when she least expected it. Sometimes, it even came out in his “I’m sorry”s. They were soft and genuine. He touched her arm when he said it and she knew it was true.
She was attracted to love and the genuine sense of giving. She was attracted to positive attention. She needed to know that someone had the potential and the capacity to give as she did and, as Mother Teresa said, give even when he had nothing left. As long as the potential was there, Eli would not give up.
It was never about the looks or the money or the power for her. Eli based it all on the ability to love and be loved. To not be judged, and to accept and be accepted. Something so pivotal was always hard to find but when she saw it, it became her shiny penny that she carried around in her pocket. She made it into something everyone wanted because she knew how to nurture it. All he had to understand was that, if she didn’t think he deserved it, she wouldn’t be there. It was that simple.