Strange Love

Have you ever had that limbo relationship where you’re not exactly dating but you’re not exactly friends either?

That’s how things started with my present boyfriend (who, by the way, may hate the fact that I’m writing about this). We weren’t exactly dating and we were by far much better off than friends. He was my confidant, he was my mirror. Everything he said I understood and everything I said he understood. It was the greatest platonic relationship I had ever had. But there was one problem: His stare was intense. It was like he could see exactly what I was saying and could find every truth and dismiss every lie. It was ridiculous. I couldn’t look him in the eye for fear of what exactly he was going to see. Was he about to pull out every secret I had ever held inside me for fear of judgment? I had no idea what this was going to lead to, but I knew he made me nervous.

Above all, he had the power to make me want more of him. Not like that. Get your mind out of the gutter! He had the power to make me want to talk to him, make me want to tell him everything. Make me want to show him and express to him and keep my distance all at the same time. Have you ever been in those relationships where things are fantastic and you’re really close friends and then the thought crosses your mind, What if we were a couple? OH! THE HORROR! Because then if you break up, that’s the end of that and you lose the friendship. OR better yet, you DO become a couple and it just throws everything out of whack.

So then I went to San Francisco. Why? Because I wanted to. I wanted to get away for about 10 days, but each of those days, I talked to him and I wanted to tell him about the ocean and what I was doing. I wanted to call him to tell him I had walked eight miles from downtown SF to my friend’s place. Weird, I know. I just wanted him to know.

Then there was that one night that I let it slip. I let my feelings get the best of me. I could make him feel great. I could make him happy. I knew I could do it. And at that point, I wanted to. After that night, I scared myself. What if he does something rash? What if he really does come after me and we’re a couple? Would I be able to handle this? Would I be able to think of someone else other than myself for a change?

Well, I kept thinking about it, repeatedly. Over and over again, I tried so hard to keep those lovey-dovey feelings under wraps but it was just impossible. I told myself I didn’t like him; that it was all a fluke. That I just liked and wanted the attention. And I lost the battle with myself. Now the rest is history.

I know a lot of women who have been in those predicaments, and men for that matter, as well. Where you have to hear that speech: You’re great, we get a long so well and we’re such good friends. I love you like a friend. I think it would be bad if we dated or went out because what if it doesn’t work out? Then we’ll lose this great friendship that we have.

I know you’ve heard it before and that ALONE ruins the friendship that you had. After that you want to say, BULLSHIT! And run away from shame and embarrassment for ever thinking that it could possibly be something more than just a friendship. And after that, you realize that that person has received a level of vulnerability that hardly anyone ever gets. Now to get your heart stepped on is not your idea of getting closer to someone.

What’s worse are those people who still want to keep the relationship how it once was, on that brink. I’m sorry, but you CANNOT keep switching feelings on and off and then tell the other person that you don’t think it’ll work out. If you’re friends, act like friends. If you want something more, do it. Don’t be a chicken. Life is long, but it’s still too short.

Well, there’s my rant for the day. Enjoy it.


  1. So whats the verdict between you and your bf now? How do you feel? now?
    I know what you mean, though I was on the other side of the story. Its hard and exciting but well worth the wait.

    Not what I wanted but exactly what I needed. Im in love for the very first time.

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